How do I capture these moments that fill our day? How do I truly capture them so that I can experience them again to their fullest in every cell of my body with all of my senses? All of these images of Maddie, Emily and Paul flash before my eyes in a single day. Instances and glimpses that even as they happen, I know are special and magical and yet I fear I will forget them. I will forget their power, their strength, their vibrancy, their ability to make my heart ache with joy.
Moments:
The curve of Maddie’s sweet round cheeks nestled to my breast, her tiny little hands clasped together and held under her chin or grasping my finger as her little jaws work up and down, up and down.
The feel of Maddie’s body as I pick her up ever so gently and cradle her to my chest. Hugging the length of her, pressing her to me, burying my nose in the scent of her downy hair. The smell of Maddie’s skin and hair.
That oh so sweet soft spot on the back of Maddie’s neck.
The beauty of toes. The miracle and absolute perfection that they are.
The clasp of a newborn's hand. The amazingly strong and trusting grip. A tiny hand, perfect in every way, reaching out to clasp your finger or explore the features of your face.
The hiccups and snorts and protests of an unhappy baby. For whatever indignity she has suffered, she feels it with every bit of her body and proclaims her sadness for all the world to hear.
The weight of her. For all its tininess, what an immense life can be held in your hand.
The folds of skin, the delicious folds of skin, dimpled baby butt and baby fat bracelets that ring her wrists.
The lift of her eyebrows as she studies the world and expression after expression transforms her face one after another.
The sleep smiles, those achingly sweet and brief little sleep smiles that play across her face as she dreams.
Emily, trying to hold her own body back and “be gentle” as she experiences excitement and emotions for Maddie that are so strong Emily’s body literally shakes with them.
Emmie and Maddie waking together and gazing into each other’s eyes. Smiling and talking and touching each other the whole while. Emily’s sing-song voice as she makes up songs and rhymes and poems about Maddie.
Maddie in her bath kicking and squealing with delight as she learns how to splash and play. Her face at times a study in seriousness, at other times the brows shoot up and eyes open wide as she marvels at what she has done, the next moment a squeal of delight and laughter bursts forth.
Maddie draped over her daddy's arm. Asleep, completely trusting, absolutely safe.
Maddie in her bouncy seat “talking” with me while I prepare food in the kitchen. I slice a cantaloupe and after each swish of the knife, I look over at Maddie and we make faces at one another or blow bubbles. Her face lights up and she explodes with sound. A yell, a squeal, a mile wide smile while the kicking of legs and flailing of arms help her body to express its joy.That first morning smile. I’ve left the bed in the early morning hours and come back to find Maddie awake and contemplating the play of light in the room. Eyes wide open, body for once peaceful and calm. Once my face comes into her view, a smile of delight transforms her face and her body once again begins its motions, windmilling arms, kicking legs, arching back. All an expression of joy and happiness to see me. I feel so lucky to have this love.
Moments, moments, they are all just brief flashes of life. Will I remember them? Do I remember these same moments from Emily’s infancy? Sometimes I think I do, but somehow I’ve put Maddie’s features over them all. But what if I forget? What a loss that would be. Is it enough to experience the joy right this moment, all its intricacies and hidden pathways and accept that if it does leave my conscious memory, my body and soul will still remember the experience of it? Will I at least be able to recall the feel of these moments if not perhaps the details in all their glory. Oh I hope so. What else is there to life?
